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My end of 2019 & My start of 2020

I’m back!

I hope everyone had a good holidays and new year! I decided to take some time to just relax. My holidays were ok, and I had a good new year. Of course, with my luck I got sick right before Christmas. That was the start to a holiday of some ups and downs. I love the feeling of joy Christmas always brings but this year especially, I had anxiety going into the holidays.

I knew that we were going to be seeing family. Family who knows we’re currently trying to get pregnant. I know they’re excited for us just as much as we are but it’s still hard when they ask if there is any news yet. I hate having to give the answer of no because of course I would love to be able to share that exciting news! It’s not their fault but it’s just another reminder to myself of what I don’t have yet.

Another obstacle I didn’t think would be an issue but turned out to be was seeing everyone with their kids! Seeing parents doing holiday traditions with their children or seeing parents helping their kids open presents made me want that. I want to be able to experience making those type of memories with my own kids. Being able to see your own child filled with joy and excitement during the holidays must be a priceless moment. I have so many traditions in mind I want to start with my own family one day, I know the day will come!

The hardest part was all the pregnancy announcements I saw, one of which I had to sit through in person. I’m happy for every one of those couples! Especially the couples that I know have been trying to conceive for a long while now! It was something my husband and I were hoping would have happened by now and I know it takes time. When the couple announced they were expecting while we were at a friend’s dinner, it was hard to sit there and not get a little sad. Sad that it wasn’t me that could be in those shoes, experiencing those experiences with the person I love the most! I of course tried my hardest to hide the sadness I was feeling inside because this is their moment and they deserve to be happy in their moment. Until recently I never realized how sensitive of a topic getting pregnant and trying to conceive can be. I never wanted to be the person someone must watch their actions around me because I might be sensitive to it. I would never expect that from someone either.

            On the way home I cried and the whole time my husband knew how much I would hurt from that situation. In that moment I felt like I was some hateful person because I felt jealousy over that moment. I never want to be a jealous person. It’s just not who I am, I know I have a lot to be thankful for! I know my time will come to experience starting a family of my own. I just need to be patient through all the hard parts about it.

Which leads me to one of the things I’m wanting to work on going into this new year. More positive thinking and positive self-talk. I need to stop the self-doubt I constantly have. The negative thinking and mindset my anxiety often tends to lead me to. I know I need to become more self-aware when I’m starting to go down the path and refocus on positivity. Lately every time I catch myself thinking or say “if” I get pregnant by this date and I automatically stop myself and say “I AM” going to be pregnant by this date. I guess maybe trying a more positive approach it can help my body be less stressed. That’s been my biggest goal for well over a year, to be less stressed. Here I am though still trying to figure out how to achieve that one!

Even though I had some stressful moments this holiday season, there was still a lot of great moments as well. Spending time with my family this Christmas was just the little pick me up and cheering up I needed. We had my family over for Christmas dinner at our new home we just bought. It was fun getting to spend some quality time together. My husband and I had a relaxing New Years in just spending time together and enjoying our new home going into this new year. I have a good feeling about this year to come! I have goals I’ve set that I’m really wanting to approach going into this new year mainly to get my mental health back on track, I really need to learn to control my anxiety and stress better. I also know this WILL be my year to experience new things and start new journeys!

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Until next time,



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