Have you ever wanted something so badly but it’s out of your control? That’s how I’ve been feeling during this trying to conceive journey. There is only so much that I can control, even though I wish I could control it all on my own. It’s been a big struggle for me lately and has really taken a toll on my mental health. Some days I feel like it’s never going to happen for us and then other days I feel completely positive that it’s all going to work out. Lately I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and I’m not entirely sure how to get out of it.
It’s been especially hard around the holidays this year for a few reasons. One being you must see family that want you to have kids just as bad as you do. So of course, they want to ask, “when do you plan on starting a family” or “any updates yet?” As the months go by those questions get harder and harder to answer. Every time it gets asked all I want to do is breakdown because it’s something I want so badly but I can only do so much. It’s a reminder that I have yet to get pregnant. I know they don’t mean harm by their questions, so I smile and answer but deep inside I’m dying.
The holidays are another reminder that my husband and I are the only ones without kids. I love seeing our families with a family of their own. Watching their kids grown up into little humans makes me so happy. It’s hard when it’s something you want for yourself and knowing everyone else wants it for you as well. I’ve always enjoyed seeing what features and characteristics children get from their parents. It’s something I always wonder about, what they’ll get from me and from their dad. Lately I try not to think about it too much, but I start to get down wondering when that time will eventually come for myself.
I’ve been trying my best to stay positive and I know it takes time… that’s what everyone always says, “it takes time.” I just wish I knew the answers to all my questions, wouldn’t we all? We’re almost 6 months in after the vasectomy reversal and the waiting game is stressful! I see everyone around us having all these kids and it makes me sad I can’t have that myself. I’ve been trying everything to help relax myself and my anxiety because I know stressing about it all won’t help the situation. It’s hard to block out the negative thoughts and the what ifs. At times I often feel like I’m failing. I keep reminding myself it WILL happen. Maybe not on my timeline but it WILL happen! I need to just stay patient and if for some reason it doesn’t happen, we have other options out there we can turn to. Just need to stay positive as hard as it may get at times.
If you are going through fertility struggles or you know someone that is, be patient. With yourself and with them. It’s not easy and a lot of the time they keep these feelings to themselves. Know you are not alone!
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